Sitting Here With Pink Hair

I wanted to make this collage and tell my story back on October 27th when these photos were taken. But to be honest, it’s been dark times at my house. I have been pretty depressed and trying to deal with a lot of personal issues with PPD and a life that is nucking futs. 

To be sure I am so totally #blessed (hashtag barf) and I have four beautiful healthy children and a husband who is helping me raise them the best we know how. But life is super hard even when you’re a white suburban housewife. So I can’t imagine what it’s like to be anyone else. When I try to think of how bad it gets for some people, I just become paralyzed with sadness. But I imagine that it’s quite the uphill battle to be anything but a white girl from the OC (except maybe a white BOY from the OC) considering how hard things are for poor little me. And now it’s likely “too late” (though as I type I send my positive vibes out towards these incredibly tight polls) to make a statement about how this election has made me feel. 

In 2008 I stood on street corners holding signs and covered my car in bumper stickers for things I believed in, with NO SHAME. None. I was FEARLESS. I stood proudly on the National Mall and watched our country swear in President Barack Obama and it was incredible. I flew without too much fear, I went to the movies and the park and to big events with NO WORRIES.

Then I had four beautiful babies in six years, the first born just 13 months after Obama was inaugurated. And the anxiety and stress of parenting slowly but surely took over my life. It was not too bad after one, and still pretty fun after two. The third made things a little nutty but she was an easy baby back then, so that helped. But then the real post partum set in and it’s been an extremely bumpy ride the last two years. Oh, and I had another (surprise) baby in that same timeframe. 

I rub about a gallon of essential oils on myself a day to help combat my anxiety, my stress, my depression. I take Zoloft, but don’t think it works and plan to get off. I need more yoga. I try to not clinch my jaw. I try not to scream at my kids. I try not to eat too much sugar at night. I try to teach my children kindness. And I live under a tiny little raincloud. I’m dealing and I’m making it, but holy hell it’s hard. The last 7 years have kicked my ass. Hard.

Sooooo…here we are…it was Thursday October 27th and I had just picked up my oldest daughter from school. I had the other two girls with me, and we had an hour to kill between pickups every day. I was listening to Michelle Obama at a rally asking women to go VOTE EARLY. That He Who Must Not Be Named must be defeated. That our country’s future was at stake in this election. That our standing with the World was on the ballot. That women’s Rights and minorities rights and immigrants lives and existences were all on the ballot. Say what you want but Michelle can speak straight to the core of someone’s being, if you’ll listen. She’s a tough woman. And so is Hillary. But…

So I looked in the rear view mirror as I sat in the parking lot waiting for Mar to buckle her belt. I noticed my pink hair (editors note: I didn’t dye my hair for Hillary. It was a fun side note, but I dyed my hair pink because I’ve always wanted to and my bosses are all age six and under and I’m leaving it this way because it actually made me feel like a million dollars and like I was maybe and finally my TRUE self. Just for the record.) and then my pink Lululemon shirt, then Keller’s Bob Marley onesie and rainbow tie dye socks, and Holland’s pink shoes and shirt, Mar’s “Always Be Yourself, Unless You Can Be a Unicorn” shirt, and so I snapped the selfie (yes, my mini van is truly THAT dirty.) and drove to the grocery store to cast my vote FOR HILLARY CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT. 

Because I don’t LOVE her, nope. But I don’t hate her. I think the country needs a MOM. And because HE without a doubt scares the living shit out of me as a woman and a mother. Thank the Universe I’m white and have a US birth certificate and a college degree. Because I’m just feeling sick now. 12:32am CDT and they are going to call Pennsylvania for him and that’s when I might vomit. 

But we have to try to stand up and say “We are going to be alright, we are going to still be a wonderful country, we are still moving forward. We are not as divided as we seem.” Even if it seems TOTALLY FAKE. Because if you tell yourself something enough times YOU WILL BELIEVE IT. I know this from the opposite perspective. 

I have been so hard on myself and down on myself and depressed and mean and sad. And the more I beat myself up, the worse it gets. But when I talk positive, when I sit with a girlfriend who shines light on me and fills me up, when I point out all the Good to my kids and myself, it’s better. 

This is going to be hard. It’s going to be weird. I’m shocked at what that man was able to do and say and he is going to be the leader of the free world. You guys, he’s a walking hypocrisy, and a villain. But I’m not going to “just flip out” like you think I am (yes, Jerry Maguire reference because I needed to smile) because that won’t change anything. 

I’m going to ride or die with my country. I’m going to not defriend people who voted for him. I’m not going to really say much outside of this blog post because this is already so far outside my political comfort zone that I’m shaking as I type. 

So go easy on me because I’m just a white hippie girl from the red OC in the blue California, transplanted into blue Austin in this red state and currently hobbling around with a busted knee and dragging four gorgeous, rotten kids behind me. I’m just trying to sell artwork and get people to understand the benefit of essential oils. (And yes, I will be going through a gallon of Stress Away this week) so just do me a favor and don’t attack me. Don’t argue with me and with each other. Don’t spew vitriol. PLEASE. Respect one another. Maybe he won’t be so bad. Maybe she’ll still win. (She won’t, but I can’t just get there in my head yet) Maybe he will tell us it was all a prank. But it looks like the country has spoken. And while I’m a lot scared of what they have said, I’m hopeful that things will continue to progress forward in this country. That, as Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace”…


I can’t think about telling my kids tomorrow morning what went on tonight. But I will. And they will be ok. I hope. And I will be ok. I hope. 

Let’s stick together, friends. Let’s not continue to let this shit tear us apart. Let’s try to be graceful in victory and humble in defeat. I typed that and felt nauseous. I’m not going to lie. 

Johnny just handed me a bowl of noodles and told me to eat up because “Regardless, we have to be parents in the morning. And do the best we can.”

Yup, we sure do. May the force be with us.

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The Truth About Right Now

Just so the truth is out there, here is exactly what I am doing right now:
-Sitting in my mini van that is decorated like a reindeer. I am not sorry about this, it makes my heart happy.
-double ear infection baby & crazy passed out middle child both asleep in the back
-just picked up Austin from school and drove straight to Taco Bell
-purchased Dr. Pepper & Quesarito with extra of BOTH cheeses for myself and some disgusting horrible hot pink drink (sure to rot my kids teeth and minds) to split between Austin & The MarMar should that sleeping giant stir…LOOK! PINK SUGAR! SHHHHHH!
-Listening to Shake It Off-duh. And Austin said “Mom, this is Taylor Swift!” And I am doing something right because he knows that, Michael Jackson, Beatles, Frozen and most of the words to Jingle Bells. Winning.
-finally finally finally writing another blog before I send out holiday cards that have the link to this blog printed on them. Ha.
I’m doing my best and I’m taking a quick rest and I’m breaking the rules and I’m breathing and I’m laughing. Who’s with me? Take 5 minutes to sit in your car and do something for yourself. Even if that car is full of tiny time terrorists. This is all I needed today-this was enough.

Don’t be shocked but…

I’m cooking dinner. This is something I don’t do much. It’s one thing on a long list of things I don’t do. I have been writing out this list called “I’m Really NOT SuperMom”. That blog will come when I finish that list and when one of my three kids isn’t awake and screaming at me!

I am making roasted butternut squash because everyone loves it and it’s easy. But I just used a large knife and a pan and five ingredients. It’s a big day. My husband (who, yes, does nearly ALL the dinner cooking) will be thrilled. Unless I burn it.

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That’s all I have time for today-but I am trying to be accountable to this blog and get things posted! #workingonit

Here’s how to do this:

1) Cut squash in half lengthwise.
2) Put butter, brown sugar, salt, and pepper.
3) Put in oven on hot (I’m doing 400 for 30 minutes but you can adjust for time or temp of other items) and cook for 30 min.

That’s it. And that’s why I can do it even though this was my Facebook status earlier today:

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And I’ll put some chicken in the oven to bake and make a salad and pour a drink and FEEL like the Mommy Hero that I most certainly am not 😉

Happy Friday!

UPDATE: it’s 5:19pm and this has happened

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So progress, right? I’ll let you know how the Noosa Yoghurt goes on the chicken thighs! (I’m currently obsessed with the thighs and soooo over the breasts! (Do I sound like a horny guy? Ha!)

Also, Woodchuck Hard Cider-all of the flavors-is the best. Yum.

The Right Before Bed Update:

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So this turned out great-though next time I might put it on a broiler pan cause the stuff left in the pan wasn’t pretty. All I added besides the whole container of Noosa Yoghurt (lemon flavor-because I’ve added yogurt to chicken and I’ve added lemon juice or slivers to chicken…so why not?) was a sprinkle of salt and garlic-and yes, I’m a Costco shopper!

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Quick salad: I used some triple washed Arugula, some shredded Italian blend (though I was sad not to find a block of parm that I could have shaved-I much prefer that!) along with some lemon juice-my last “fresh” lemon was more of a baseball-and EVOO, kosher salt and fresh ground pepper.

***PARENTS! Babysitters! I tried something tonight when I made the arugula salads. My kids are really good about fruit and a lot of veggies, I’m pretty lucky. But salad greens? Not so much. So I split their salad into the two sides of this baby bowl and told them we were going to do a “salad eating challenge” and that whoever ate their half of the bowl would get a mid-dinner small piece of Halloween candy-because I’m willing to trade a Starburst for some great bites of healthy greens and the satisfaction of seeing my otherwise fussy 4 1/2 year old plow down some arugula just for the sake of winning! And it still inspired Marley to eat about half of hers (for which she rewarded herself with a mellowcreme pumpkin-someone please take this family’s Halloween candy away!)

Here it is-there were hungry people and no time for pretty plate prep! (Please visit the incredible Maria Saba’s site Cocina Marie for way better recipes than mine and beautiful photos of delicious perfect food!)

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Oh-and the GIANT butternut squash I had took nearly an hour to roast and get soft-so timing can vary by size of gourd and the oven. I was also on convection. Anyway, moral of the story is please don’t take too much cooking advice from me. 😉

You could also take it from Cassie, my amazing dietician friend who blogs at WLS Daily Plate and the woman behind that blob of ranch dressing and pile of cucumbers on our plates. It’s her recipe and it’s healthy and yet I want to bathe in it!

I’m falling asleep as I type-goodnight!

Working On It

I’m working on it. All of it. But I’m always behind. This is my desk the other night as I shut the house down for the night:

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And I said to myself (and BooBoo the chihuahua) “That’s so inviting for sitting down to write a blog”
And then I snapped that photo and went to bed. I didn’t write a word. I said “I’ll come back to this when it’s not 12:38am after a long day and I should have been in bed two hours ago!”
And I’m proud of not writing that blog that night-whatever it would have been about. Because “I’m working on it”…I’m trying. I’m trying to get better sleep and I’m trying to stop drinking Dr. Pepper like it’s medically neccessary. I’m trying to be a great mom and a tolerable wife-most days I’m failing at both. But I AM WORKING ON IT. I’m always always always working on something. Like right now. I’m cleaning my desk, going through this months receipts

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I’ve just finished the “Target Stack” (the largest pile, so that’s something to celebrate!) and I took a break to steal one of my mother-in-law’s cans of Coca-Cola (because I can’t make myself drink the last two cans of Dr Pepper after making myself a promise not to keep it at home anymore after those are gone) and decided that NOW was a good time to ignore that pile of regretful spending and just finally sit down and write another blog. Just dump my mind out for y’all and tell you that I AM WORKING ON IT. I am totally working all day on this blog, writing down ideas for blogs, making notes that will remind me of the things I would love to see become a part of my Tutus & Tochdowns community. But it’s a process to get this thing going while also trying to raise three kids 4 and under, start my Etsy shop back up for the holidays, and just generally WORK ON IT in life as a very new Mom of Three. And I am sooooooooo tired and so just thought that I should let y’all know that while this is happening (and melting my heart)

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I am here, sitting on my comfy Four Hands chair I so longed to spend time in once I became a “Super Hip Mommy Blogger”. But I’m not that yet and I might never be. But I can’t be if I don’t try. If I don’t sit in the chair and just WRITE then I can’t sit in the chair later and celebrate that writing ever becoming something. And I’m writing this on my iPhone-and it’s not a 6. I mean, #firstworldproblems
And at my left elbow is that pile of spending no-no’s and at my right elbow is my to-do notebook and the DSLR that could desperately stand to have a few thousand photos pulled off of it and catalogued and scrapbooked. And my stolen Coke. And I am here and awake and present and blogging and banking and organizing and dreaming and I AM WORKING ON IT. We all are. All day, every single day. We wake up and we WORK ON IT. We try to live and love and work and play and figure our way through the crazy pace of life we are blessed with and we just keep working on it. So the next time you’re feeling like it’s all too much just take a moment to realize that it IS TOO MUCH. That life is HUGE and it’s always there, every moment you’re alive is life and it’s a beast! So you just WORK ON IT! You “just keep swimming” as my favorite blue fish might say. And if you’re doing that and your trying to find your balance and you are trying to love more and be happy, then you’re working on it and you should be proud!

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“Sometimes you’re the dog and sometimes you’re the fire hydrant”

“And you’ve been the hydrant a lot lately, babe.”

My husband said this to me tonight just following that moment where I was eating dinner and my (extremely independent 2 1/2 year old Taurus who just recently became a middle child) daughter Marley lovingly climbed up on my lap. And then proceeded to pee. All over me.

I am convinced she was marking her territory.

Potty trained with a 90%+ success rate for months now, this “me missed my window” thing is new for MarMar and IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

Yesterday we decided to pop over to the park for 30 minutes. 28 of them were spent dealing with a massive baby blowout that was immediately followed by a 2 year old crapping her tutu. Seriously I went through 1 1/2 packs of baby wipes, two outfits, two burpcloths and one blanket in less than 20 minutes.

Austin went pee in the bushes too during this debacle. Austin has not yet mastered the art of not dropping his drawers completely to the floor so that’s a good site too.

Howdy, neighbor, don’t mind me leaving feces and urine all over the park! It’s not like there is EBOLA up the road in Dallas!

Earlier this morning Marley had her MORNING poop (also in her pants) which during clean up time for that both myself and her GG managed to step into her poop. Awesome.

Holland had a 6/10 day for spit up so you can mix in a little regurgitated breast milk and pretty much understand what I smell like right now.

And so we embark upon this life with three kids under 5, again trying to both “love and survive” their childhoods. It’s rough, but it’s incredible. There’s so much work to be done, but each moment is a work of art. Even the bad ones. When we smile and when we cry and when we hurt and when we love and especially when we just keep smiling while crying as the pee runs down into our hot pink Toms.

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Let’s Just Do This.

I keep telling people that Holland is an easy baby. She is nursing great and sleeping long hours. She smiles like crazy and is already trying to hold conversations! I’m not saying that I don’t have years ahead of me with three kids turning more of my hair gray, two of whom at some point will be teenage girls (plural) at the same time for 5 years straight. But right now, as hard as it is, is a really great time. And I feel great. Tired. Exhausted. Brain Dead. Even MEAN. (I will mention a lot that I’m not looking to win any Mother of the Year awards! I’m just trying to both love and survive my kid’s childhoods!) But I stare at my babies all day trying to soak it all in…in between the begging for snacks, fighting over toys, “missing their window” for the potty, tantrums, new outfits, tackling, playing, tea parties, car races, touchdowns and tutu changes. In between all of it, I just take time to smell them, literally. I smell my babies. A lot.

When I am just sitting in the chair with this sweet 7 week old baby while she quietly nurses and I am watching The Bigs destroy her room while laughing and getting along like peas and carrots. And H stops to chit chat with me-and Austin tells me he made me some strawberry soup in the play kitchen. And Marley walks in dressed in her seventh outfit of the day and it’s even more adorable than the first six! And though I know there is a time out for something looming just around the corner, and a toy that will be misused and put on the “tomorrow shelf”, and apologies given for unkind hands or words…right now they smell like angels and right now they are smiling and right now is a really great time. Right now I don’t want to blink.

I tend to find myself caught in the middle of different theories and the parental advice wars over whether to “embrace every moment” and #dontblink or be a #shittymom and know it’s ok to think that you’ll go crazy if you change one more diaper. So yes, I tend to embrace the intimacy of #dontblink while realizing that I really won’t be all that depressed on the day my last baby stops crapping her pants.

So, before more time goes by and adds to my regret, I am going to realize that in order to fulfill my desire to share my life, my stories and debacles and triumphs of being Team Mackovic, my projects, my hobbies, my work and my opinions, all of the things that make me who I am, this online journey needs to begin.

If I have this sweet baby who is making the two to three transition this simple for me, I need to start doing some “Momma Bear” things. And hello, because I really really really want to blog. This time it’s a whole new beginning!

Join my journey! I have been storing up ideas for years, and it’s time to start sharing!

-TKMomma

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Not So Super Bowl Inspires First Post at Tutus & Touchdowns

My team lost. I’ve been cheering for the San Francisco 49ers since I was a little girl, and it had been 17 years since they had gone to the Super Bowl. I was 13 the last time when they won their 5th (out of 5) since 1981 (the year I was born). I am no bandwagon Niner Girl, folks.

And I am so sad. Today I really knew, I really knew that I really have been a really really big football fan all my life. Really. Because only a huge football fan would feel this way. Only a real Forty Niner Faithful would just feel crushed.

I thought they would win. And you know what? Wow…they fought back from a deficit that (had they scored and won) would have been the biggest playoff and Super Bowl comeback ever. That’s a team I can stand behind. That is why I love them and always have and always will. I love fighters. People, things, places and teams who will hang tough and won’t lay down and die. (It’s the reason I stand by the Skins, Broncos, Horns & Cats too! So stop asking me “why”!)

That’s what I love about football and that’s what I love about the people and things I love and care about most in life. It’s that crazy parallel between a silly game filled with overweight men fighting over an inflated dead pig part and just good old fashion life.

Be tough, fight for what you want, try hard and love hard and stand up for those who can’t stand for themselves. And be a part of your children’s lives. Make sure your daughter has her team tutu and your son has his eye black and ENJOY THE GAME OF LIFE!

Welcome to Tutus & Touchdowns…I hope you are ready for the ride!

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